18 facts about qeers

1. FACT: People of the Rainbow persuasion don’t have friends. They have prides. Like lions, but gayer, and prouder.

2. FACT: The quality of a bisexual’s gaydar is inversely proportional to the degree to which it’s needed.

All hail the Wife Carrying Championships!

IN Finland, they’ve clearly got the same bizarre approach to boredom that us Brits have. While we nearly kill ourselves chasing cheese down a hill or trying to throw boots over viaducts, the people of Sonkajärvi partake in the annual Wife Carrying Championships, which we just happen to have the highlights of.

Man killed in bed by falling cow

JOAO Maria de Souza, 45, was killed when a cow squashed him in his bed.

Mr de Souza was in bed with his wife Leni in their Caratinga, Brazil, home when the cow  fell through the ceiling.

The cow did not live upstairs. It is thought that the cow had escaped from a farm and made it on to Mr de Souza’s corrugated iron roof via a hill.

Indonesia bans sexy female secretaries – men must hire only old unattractive women

“I received inputs that many government office heads here are involved in extra-marital affairs with their female secretaries,” Rusli Habibie, the governor of Gorontalo province on northern Sulawesi island, Indonesia.

Want to see a bee give a pub drinker a high five – here you go!

If you wanted official confirmation of the British summer, then look no further than the fact that bees have started giving high-fives to shrieking, drunk humans.

Now, this may sound like some kind of hallucination, but there’s video evidence!

Massive bus-sized lump of fat blocks London sewer

THAMES WATER has found and removed a huge limp of fat from the London sewers. The lump was as big as a bus. It was a blend of food fat mixed with wet wipes. It was located beneath London Road in Kingston, Surrey.

The water company wants its customers to know how valiant it is, reporting that had it not been removed it “could have led to sewage flooding many homes, streets and businesses”.

All hail the My Little Pony CV!

Fans of My Little Pony are terrifying. They’re not children. They’re all adults who like watching talking ponies fly around with their day-glo skin and are more obsessive than Breaking Bad and Smiths fans put together.

Steve Cohen arrested for dancing with a chicken tied to his cock at the Eiffel Tower

TO the Eiffel Tower in Paris, where Steve Cohen, dressed in platform heels, a garter, long, gloves and tights has a rooster tied to his penis with a long ribbon.

Scientist attacked by the bull he cloned

Dr Moreau is alive and well, it seems. Prof. Park Se-pill has been attacked by his cloned bull art Jeju National University in South Korea.

The man-contrived beast broke five of the scientists ribs and hurt his spine.

Massive oar fish washes up in California – we’ve seen its like before

Anyone swimming off the coast of California, can look out for gigantic oarfish fish, like this one that washed up on the shores of Toyon Bay, Catalina Island.

Superman ‘reflected’ attacker’s cowboy boot into Wonder Woman’s face – TV report of the year

JENNIFER ‘Wonder Woman’Jennifer Wenger and Christopher  ‘Superman’ Dennis, have been attacked by a “cowboy boot wearing transient“. The super duo were were recording an episode ofJimmy Kimmel Live when the woman pounced.

Highlights to look out for in the news report to follow:

Wonder Woman: “Right here’s where the heel went into my leg… of the boot. And when it hit my leg it bounced over and hit right here, where it’s bruised. and raised”

Builders try on massive lingerie haul found on site

“THEY must have spent a bit on underwear mate,” says Jason Irvine, 22, from Woodroffe. “I don’t know much about women’s underwear but it’s pretty flash. It looks expensive, doesn’t it? I tried some on and found it quite comfy. The 32A bra were just my size.”

“I had a look through for an address,” says another builder named Vinnie of the five draws full of lingerie found on a building site in Palmerston in Australia’s Northern Territory. “You should have a look at some of the gear. Corsets, G-strings, tiny knickers – she has got all the gear. Look at this red bodice. That’s outstanding.

“We were unsure what to do but did the right thing and called the NT News. Everyone’s been wondering what it’s been doing here. We thought it was a box of screws and bolts. We opened it up and there wasn’t screws and bolts at all.”

The NT News adds:

The impressive find was the talk of the town and can be reclaimed from the NT News who now have possession.

Curious builders should form an orderly line…

Whatever happened to Dzhambulat Khotokhov the world’s biggest child?

Whatever happened to Dzhambulat Khotokhov (aka Jambik), the Russian wrestler who aged 4 weighed 56 kilograms (123 pounds), stood 118 centimeters (3 feet 11 inches) in bare feet? In July 2003, Jambik was paired with Georgy Bibilauri, a five-year-old standing 120 centimeters (4 feet) tall and tipping the scales at 51 kilograms (112 pounds).

Male bank robber wore ‘pink with purple polka dot dress, a pink wig, and sunglasses’

Is 50-year-old Arnell Edwards an idiot? The FBI says Arnell dressed in a “pink with purple polka dot dress, a pink wig, and sunglasses” to rob a bank in New Athens, Illinois,  of $1537.

Edwards allegedly passed a bank clerk a red Post-It note reading, “STICK UP ALL MONEY.”

He then held a white rag over his mouth and spoke in a “high pitched squeaky voice“. 

The clerk had great trouble understanding what he was saying. 

Manchester taxi driver says illegal passenger in his car was an inflatable doll

TO Manchester, where Bash Ali has been taken to court for allowing too many passengers into his taxi. The official says he had nine; the maximum is eight.

Mr Ali says the council is wrong. He says the ninth passenger was an inflatable mannequin dressed as a woman.

The explanation might have worked had Ali not altered his plea to guilty. He was ordered to pay £438.12 in fines and costs.

He said after the case:

“I have no faith in the justice system. I see all sorts of sights in this job – men dressed as women, women dressed as men and yes, plenty of dolls dressed up too.”

 Send them all down…

Is nothing safe? Man has sex with kebab shop and Land Rover Discovery in Wales

Is Nothing Safe? Episode 349b: the kebab shop counter:

Daniel Craig Cooper ,24, was in the dock at Flintshire Magistrates Court, Mold. Local news reports:

First of all he was seen to be urinating. He was then seen to go down the High Street with his trousers around his ankles and his T-shirt pulled up over his head.

Cooper was waving at cars and he was then seen to take his shirt off completely.  He was seen to enter a kebab shop where he was simulating the sex act against the corner of the counter.

Mr Wylde described how at one stage he “lay on the ground and simulated the sex act”. Then he did the same to a Land Rover Discovery vehicle which was parked nearby.

The guilty Mr Cooper was placed on a three-month community order and ordered to remain indoors between 7pm and 7am on Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights for the next three months.

Dundee dog needed emergency operation after eating fake poo.

BOO – that’s BOO – a black crossbreed puppy fell ill after eating a fake dog poo.

Owner Shelly Bryson, 33, from Dundee tells us:

“My daughter Reese accidentally dropped a bag of dog biscuits and they got mixed up with the fake dog poo that had been left on the floor. For some reason Boo decided to eat it and swallowed it down in one. I got straight on the phone to PDSA as she had been sick and was refusing to eat, and they told me to bring her in immediately.

Teen Exorcists: Bob Larson, Margaret Thatcher and hunting Satan for Jesus in London

A couple of nights ago, BBC3 (the network’s “youth channel”) broadcast Dan Murdoch‘s observational documentary Teen Exorcists, the latest example of media fascination with Brynne Larson and her two friends Brynne Tess and Savannah Scherkenback, writes Richard Bartholomew. The trio come across as personable, good humoured, and bright – yet they are committed to the beliefs and worldview expounded by Brynne’s father Bob Larson, a man who has been a familiar figure in US media for years with extravagant tales of Satanic cults and of exorcising thousands of people who he says have been spiritually oppressed by demonic powers.

Nigeria’s greatest living scientist uses magnets, pi and lions to prove that gay marriage is wrong

“I WAS the first to publish report about the 2006 total solar eclipse in the newspaper in Nigeria when I was writing for the defunct New Age newspaper,” says University of Lagos post graduate student, Chibuihem Amalaha.

Man urinating on teenager in cinema triggers gun nut panic.

When the old man started to urinate over the teenager sat in the row in front of him at the Regal Cinemas in Bridgeport Village just after 6pm.on Friday a woman shouted “gun” over and over.

The final moments of Prisoners were further interrupted by the arrival of armed police and a SWAT assault squad.

Justin Bartlett was there. He says:

“Obviously with the recent shootings going on, just the mention of the word gun, I find it strange how on edge people seem, and how easily it can turn into a situation when the SWAT team comes out.”

The elderly man was not arrested. The 14-year-old did not press charges.

The man is no longer welcome at the cinemas.